One Billion Rising

When I first marched for the right to be safe from harm back in the early 80′s I recall the contentious divisions between men and women on the topic of women’s empowerment. But today, this is a topic which calls to most hearts equally.

I began my life as the daughter of a mentally ill and cruel man who began abusing me when I was only five years old. My father tormented me until I was able to leave home at age eighteen and unfortunately, those years of being victimized set me up for further abuse at the hands of the men I would eventually date. It would be years before I obtained the help I needed to heal. But when I eventually found that help, it was very much like being reborn.

Many of us have been abused as children and as adults. And each of us faces a choice. That choice is to either ignore our wounds or take the steps necessary to heal. When we choose to heal, we show enormous courage because the very act of healing requires that we relive our abuse. That is a pain some cannot bear. But we need not bear that pain alone. There is so much help available to us today. And if we get the help we need, we can live productive and joyful lives.

Still the threat of abuse continues to hang over the heads of every woman of every age and that threat can wear down our resolve. And it is the weight of that threat to our safety and our well-being which brings us together today. For what may be too much to bear alone is something we have the power to face and to conquer together.

We are rising up not only for the abuses which have touched our individual lives but for the abuse of women and girls which afflicts this entire globe. Our hearts still grieve the recent rape, mutilation and murders of two young women in South Africa and India. And as we learn more about the random and sadistic nature of the crimes committed against them, we come to understand that the abuse inflicted upon women on a global level is not just violence, it is in fact hate crime.

These young women were attacked and killed simply because they were women. We have long known that rape is an act of domination and we have long known that any woman can be raped for no reason at all. Yet, the fact that a young woman lost her life simply because she rode on a bus with her boyfriend, as happened in India, makes it abundantly clear to the world that rape is a hate crime against women.

If these young women and so many like them are not to die in vain, we must rise up to demonstrate our solidarity with all women who are abused in any manner. Together we must refuse to participate in the status quo until there is no longer a rape culture. Together we must rise up in the name of all that is right and holy. Together we must shift this patriarchal world culture toward equality and empowerment for women and girls.

Jean-Paul Sartre is quoted as saying “Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” No matter what has been done to us, we have the power to rise above it and to claim our birthright to freedom!

We use to refer to ourselves as victims and eventually we learned to see ourselves as survivors. But are we willing just to survive? No, now is the time for us to rise up as Change Agents because it is no longer enough that we become angry or outraged. It is no longer enough that we just heal our personal hurts. It is time for us to rise up together and create real, lasting change so that little girls who are alive today can count on being safe now as well as when they grow up. It is time for us to create change which will make all women safe – which will empower all women to the dignity and freedom which is their birthright.

True change agents see a future no one else does, and that vision won’t let them rest. Change agents have something about them that galvanizes and motivates other people. Let each of us take personal responsibility to become the change agents this world so desperately needs.

Whether you decide to work online, locally or abroad, find that one thing which you can commit to in service of making this world safer and more free for all women and girls. And do it with someone else so that we are in fact one billion rising!

Secret Lives: The “Shameful” Truth About an Athlete, a Scientist, a Schoolteacher and a Police Officer

The Two Lives of an Olympic Runner

“Bizarre, salacious and inexplicably careless” – these are just a few of the judgment-laden phrases that presently swirl around Suzy Favor Hamilton, a woman some have called the greatest athlete in University of Wisconsin history.

What has changed public perception of this Olympic runner and winner of nine NCAA championships for the UW-Madison?  What has suddenly changed her from an admired icon to a target of ridicule and vilification?

A disgruntled client exposed Favor Hamilton’s secret life as an escort and public reaction to the shocking news has reduced her to a fate familiar to sex workers the world over – she is being ostracized, stripped of her worth and dignity.

Most are surprised that a successful athlete, wife and mother chose to have sex with strangers for money. It can be difficult to understand how any woman would choose prostitution, especially when she has so many amazing accomplishments and resources at her beck and call. It does not appear that her financial life was in peril. Why in the world would any sane person risk so much to engage in something which seems so degrading?

And yet, though Suzy Favor Hamilton’s choices may appear to be incomprehensible, she is far from alone.  It is an inescapable fact that many otherwise “normal” women with a multitude of options at their disposal are in fact choosing to become prostitutes. For instance, research scientist Brooke Magnanti, supplemented her income while completing her doctoral studies by working as a London call girl. She wrote of her escapades in a book which became the Showtime cable series, Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Victoria Thorne held two professional positions, that of police officer and prostitute, until her conviction for prostitution in 2009. Like Suzy Favor Hamilton, both of these women were capable, accomplished and upwardly mobile. Why would they resort to prostitution?

Sports columnist for the Wisconsin State Journal, Andy Baggot, expressed conventional wisdom when he wrote “Favor Hamilton, a wife and mother, indulged in a lifestyle that can’t be excused any more than it can be explained in a rational manner.”

But is he correct? Are the choices of these women and thousands of others whose names never make it to the headlines, truly insane? Or is it possible that their behavior can be explained rationally?

Most would agree that being a prostitute is an all together negative proposition.  Who in their right mind would wish such a fate on any female person they care about?

Yet, perhaps it is this assumption which leads us away from the truth.

What if we were to investigate the perspective of those women who have chosen to engage in prostitution?  While many if not most people might hate working as a prostitute, is it possible that the profession could be enjoyable for some people? Could there be something about prostitution that some prostitutes find attractive? Could there be something about the profession that is pleasing, alluring or otherwise positive for them?

While all prostitutes share the act of selling sex for money as a defining element of their profession, the actual circumstances and nature of their work vary considerably. Today’s prostitutes are far from a homogenous group. Some obtain clients from the stereotypical street corner, while others work in five star hotels and luxurious penthouse suites.  Some offer primarily “vanilla” sex, some provide BDSM services, and some are experts in sacred and tantric sexual practices.

Given the huge discrepancy in working conditions, it seems only reasonable to acknowledge there are vastly differing experiences as well as explanations for the decision to engage in prostitution.

The athlete, the scientist, and the police officer mentioned above all share the luxury of having a choice in the first place. None of them is destitute or disadvantaged or otherwise limited in their capacity to choose. In fact, Suzy Favor Hamilton, Brooke Magnanti and Victoria Thorne seem to have invested considerably in their respective career choices, carefully crafting professional paths designed to optimize their level of satisfaction and fulfillment. Given the nature of these women’s other life choices, it seems logical to assume their decision to become a prostitute more likely involved logical and practical considerations as well.

Most of us have been told that prostitutes suffer from low self-esteem. But the facts seem to point away from such popular stereotypes. Dr. Suzanne Jenkins’  Keele University thesis, “Beyond Gender: An Examination of Exploitation in Sex Work” reports that 72% of escorts feel their self-esteem is higher because of their work.  Jenkins’ study also shows that 72% of escorts like their work for the independence, 67% for meeting people and 93% for the money.

Other prostitutes who have spoken candidly about their choice to engage in the trade, have listed empowerment as a number one benefit. Some point to the added economic power. Others speak almost glowingly about the positive treatment accorded them by their clients. Freedom and a sense of adventure also seem to rank high, as does the opportunity to take more control over their interactions with men in general.

To be sure, these are not the sort of fringe benefits usually associated with prostitution. In fact, it flies completely in the face of what most of us “know,” or think we “know,” about prostitution.

While society certainly heaps denigration on prostitutes, is it possible that the actual act of exchanging sex for money isn’t degrading for some prostitutes?  Could it be that adults have the mental and emotional capacity to decide what type of sex they want to engage in, with whom and for what purpose?  Might we also honor the right of adults to arrange for the exchange of goods or services or cash in exchange for sex?  And if not, what is the rationale which drives our reluctance to do so?

Will society suffer if sex is allowed to become the province of individual preferences? Certainly we must enforce safeguards for minors, but when it comes to what happens between consenting adults, is it anyone else’s business?

We fear what we don’t understand and certainly as long as prostitution is framed by stereotypes and taboo, it invites some of our deepest fears. What if our daughters, our wives, or our mothers resort to prostitution? What if schoolteachers also worked as prostitutes? Wouldn’t that erode the very fabric of society?

In fact, a school teacher was arrested for prostitution in 2003. Shannon Williams, a Berkeley high school teacher, was a media sensation after news of her arrest spread, spawning many philosophical discussions about the implications of a prostitute being allowed access to children. Melissa Petro  was fired from her schoolteaching job because she admitted to being a call girl years before becoming a schoolteacher.  The consensus seems to be that even former prostitutes pose some sort of threat to the safety and well-being of children. But are women who get paid for sex more dangerous than women who have sex for free?

Despite the abundance of sexual images (and perhaps even because of them) sexual shame drives our economy and infects our lives. It distorts our relationships and cripples our ability to experience ourselves as whole. Women, especially, are penalized by what is often referred to as the Whore/Madonna Complex – a syndrome that creates desire for a sexual partner who has been degraded (the whore) while making desire for the respected partner (the Madonna), taboo. Although the Whore/Madonna Complex may seem outdated, clinical psychologist, Uwe Hartmann, stated in 2009 that it “is still highly prevalent in today’s patients”.

Can we comprehend the price we pay when sexual shame predominates? Any culture or society which enforces a sexual double standard and refuses to accord half the population their sexual birthright, is a culture that cheats all of us.

Many anthropological studies have established that societies with a more permissive attitude toward female sexual behavior are in fact more peaceful societies. This is true for the Mosuo in China, and the Zapotec of La Paz, Mexico. It is also true of our closest non-human relative, the bonobo. Yet the sexual double standard persists in the dominant world culture.

Over the years, many women with impressive professional careers have confessed to me their secret fantasies about working as a high priced escort. And in their eyes I have seen an all too familiar sadness that seems to communicate a desire so taboo and potentially dangerous it must never be spoken or acknowledged. Instead, it lives hidden deep in the hearts and psyches of women like a relic from our ancient past – a time long ago when women experienced their sexual power without apology.

The suppression of our sexual wholeness leads to all sorts of dysfunction including depression, anxiety and rage. It fuels the war between the sexes and the resulting animosity and mistrust feed into our violent responses to life’s frustrations and challenges. Ultimately, a negative and controlling approach to sexuality in general and women’s sexual autonomy in particular, contributes to the desecration of our planet and our ability to survive through the raping of the environment and the many wars which have plagued the human species for millennia.

If each of us examines our fears and assumptions, we may find what we truly fear is not sex workers, but our own sexual secrets and frustrations. It is so human to project onto others what we are afraid of in ourselves, and prostitutes make a convenient target for scapegoating. Fortunately, some individuals are coming forward to express perspectives which embrace a more accepting attitude toward prostitutes.

For instance, Stanley Siegel, psychotherapist and former Director of Education and Senior Faculty member of New York’s renowned Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy recently wrote in an article for Psychology Tomorrow Magazine:”The sex workers I spoke with, as well as some I have been with, share many of the same positive values and ethics as therapists. Both psychotherapists and sex workers have guided me, at different times in my life, to a deeper understanding of my true desires, partly by challenging me to confront shame.”

Even Fox News’ controversial psychiatrist and social commentator, Keith Ablow, asserts”. . . it is time to legalize prostitution, put in place safeguards to help protect those who participate in it, and, of course, tax it.” While I don’t entirely agree with his decree (I am after all in favor of decriminalization instead of legalization in the USA) I do appreciate his more practical approach to prostitution.

Despite the torrent of headlines surrounding Suzy Favor Hamilton, the fact that some professional women work on the side as prostitutes is not really news. What is getting our attention and upsetting the status quo, is how “normal” this new type of sex worker is. Blending into society with ease, many of today’s prostitutes are adventurous entrepreneurs with their own unique view of human sexuality. For some women, prostitution may represent nothing more than supplemental income. For others it may feel like a sacred calling to provide sexual healing.

In the 2012 award winning movie, The Sessions, actress Helen Hunt gives us a window into the level of compassion and service expressed in sex surrogacy. Yet that commitment to service can be found in prostitution too. Another recent film, The Scarlet Road, is a moving documentary featuring sex worker and activist, Rachel Wotton. It reveals an entirely different attitude toward prostitution in countries such as Australia, which have legal or decriminalized prostitution. There, sex workers have organized Touching Base; a non-profit group that provides sex workers training, resources and information about disability while enabling people with disabilities to connect with trained sex workers.

I am not suggesting that all prostitutes are interested in being of service to their clients.  There are all kinds of prostitutes, just as there are all kinds of people who become athletes, scientists, teachers, and police officers. But being of service certainly is a guiding principle for some people in some professions – even prostitutes. And given the wide variety of logical and even altruistic reasons for engaging in prostitution, it may be time to stop attributing all sorts of evil to the women who choose to work in prostitution.

Maybe prostitutes are, after all, people too.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 9,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 15 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Why We Don’t Change . . . Even When We REALLY Want To

You have heard yourself say it many times, this resolution to do better next time. Each time you fall down, you promise yourself and anyone else who will listen, that this is the last time. You know better now. You will not do it again.

But you do.

So why is it that so many of us work so hard to be the best and do the best we possibly can, only to fail over and over again?

Early in life, most of us experience the shaming which accompanies admonishments to “grow up” and “learn to control yourself.”  The innocent and spontaneous emotions which arise in us are dominated and silenced in an effort to control that which is inconvenient and unwieldy.

Ironically, the more we attempt to control what we feel and do, the less able we are to achieve the results we desire.  Like sand slipping between our fingers, the tighter our grip on what we desire, the less able we are to hold onto it. We may be accustomed to applying this time proven principle to our relationships and possessions but how often do we apply it to our quest for self-improvement and spiritual growth?  Employing too much self-will when relating to ourselves can be just as damaging as it is in our other relationships.

For instance, let’s say you want to control your temper. That seems like a worthwhile goal which most people would applaud. But did you know that “controlling your temper” can actually lead to more angry outbursts and unpredictable fluctuations in mood?

I like to joke that this is why treatment for anger problems  is termed “anger management,” not “anger repression” or “anger control.”  Repression and suppression of emotions actually perpetuate the feelings we are attempting to avoid. Rather than deal with those emotions and eventually move on, our attempts to control emotions tend to imprison us with our negative feelings indefinitely.

Not only does the energy of control exacerbate the very qualities it is intended to diminish, our efforts at control set into motion a cycle of shame which perpetuates our problem behaviors. As we fail to live up to our expectations and our resolutions , most of us will feel less and less confident. We may begin to doubt ourselves and this can lead to a deepened sense of shame. Contrary to some of the shaming techniques employed by parents, partners and the culture, shame does not evoke the positive changes we anticipate.

“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing. This means we can’t use self-hate to lose weight, we can’t shame ourselves into becoming better parents and we can’t belittle ourselves or our families into becoming who we need them to be. . . Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” [Brene' Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me, page 197]

So exactly how do we make the positive changes we desire?

Ms. Brown goes on to explain “the power of connection and the dangers of disconnection. Disconnection is both the source and consequence of shame, fear and blame.” [p. 241] When we do not connect with ourselves empathically, we cannot achieve the change we crave. Ironically, it is when we stop blaming, judging and criticizing ourselves and others that the conditions required to effect real change can begin to take form.  Here are five steps to stop trying to “make” yourself do whatever it is you want yourself to do, and start nurturing the positive changes you want in your life.

How to Get What You Want by  Giving Up Control of Self and Others

1. Breathe and Connect to Your Feelings

2. Feel Empathy and Compassion for Yourself

3. Replace Negative Thoughts with Hopeful Scenarios

4. Extend Empathy to Others

5. Let Go of Control and Practice Acceptance

These steps can take you from the hell of repressed emotions, frustrated needs and projected blame and shame. When we insist upon controlling ourselves instead of accepting ourselves, we actually lose the control we seek to gain. It is only by accepting and loving ourselves unconditionally, that we can create the circumstances conducive to positive change.  Shame is a barrier to positive change. Shame is a barrier to compassion. Shame is a barrier to connection to self and with others.

Additionally, controlling behaviors act like barriers to our goals. It is very sad when I see someone invest so much energy and enthusiasm for the constructive change they desire, only to return to the same destructive patterns they are determined to escape. Resolution and positive thinking have their place but when it comes to thoroughly entrenched habits of thought or action, it is usually more productive to connect with ourselves with empathy and compassion and then let go. Letting go is the key to implementing any new skill set – even a motor skill such as tennis. Once we comprehend what needs to happen, once we have practiced the new behavior, what remains is to let go and allow our more intuitive side to guide us.

This may be one of the most difficult concepts to teach another. It runs counter to our training and our culture. Yet it is one of life’s ironies that we must surrender the very thing we wish to gain.

No Proposition 35

Want to stop human trafficking? Want to rescue children forced into prostitution? Want to put pedophiles in prison for a long time? Most of us would say yes to all three questions and that is what the drafters of Proposition 35 are counting on. They hope you don’t read the fine print about where your tax dollars will go. They hope you don’t find out that former Facebook employee, Chris Kelly is putting over a million dollars into promoting the proposed legislation in a personal bid for elective office. They hope you don’t look into why the American Civil Liberties Union objects to Proposition 35 and they certainly do not want you to understand their sex negative agenda.

There are not dependable statistics pertaining to human trafficking. It is mostly a term which is now being applied to what we used to call pimping and pandering. There isn’t a verifiable epidemic of sex trafficking in the USA. If you care enough about this issue to vote about it, please take the time to learn more. Start with Laura Agustin’s books and blog. This woman has researched the issue firsthand – visited the countries where sex trafficking is prevalent and studied the statistics used to redirect your tax dollars to more government here in the USA. Did you know most of the women “rescued” resent being “rescued” and go right back to their profession after being put through the system? Did you know that most of the sex workers who are being referred to as children are actually runaway teens who are escaping an abusive home? Find out the facts and refuse to vote for laws which will not only fail to help those who need the help, but create more victims of the legal system.

Proposition 35 sets a dangerous legal precedent which allows government to keep a record of your internet passwords and activities for the rest of your life, if you are a registered sex offender. That may sound fitting to the crime if you don’t understand who can become a sex offender according to Proposition 35. The way this poorly drafted piece of legislation is written, you could easily be prosecuted for sex trafficking. All that would have to happen is if you gave your 17 year old niece a car ride over state line. Maybe you think she is headed to her first year of college or a high school athletic event. But really she is doing a little stripping on the side.Most strip clubs engage in prostitution and some strippers lie about their age. Proposition 35 does not allow for ignorance of the age of sex worker. It doesn’t allow for ignorance of a minor’s plans to commit a crime. You transport, you go to prison. Period.

If we really want to help sex workers who want out of the profession and if we really want to protect children from pedophiles and pimps, we are going to have to do much better than Proposition 35. Proposition 35 is being sponsored by former Facebook employee, Chris Kelly because he hopes you will vote for him the next time he runs for office. Don’t be fooled by his millions. He doesn’t give a dam about sex workers.

What About God?

A reader recently asked me “Do you believe in God?” The question made me smile because I have a very fluid relationship with that question, and my thoughts and feelings about it are often in flux.

I could get in trouble with a few people here, but if you will suspend your personal beliefs on this topic for a moment, I would like to share some of my feelings, fantasies and understandings regarding the Divine. I do give myself the freedom to entertain many possibilities and I invite you to do the same. After all, The Shame Free Zone is all about eliminating shame – even our spiritual shame. We all deserve the freedom to explore our unique thoughts and feelings about life, God, morality and love!

Below, is the answer that came to me today, to that age old question. But please keep in mind my answer will probably be something different a few months from now. If you read to the end of this entry,  you will see why:

Well I certainly do not believe in the god I was raised with – a punishing old man who seemed to hate women and sex and animals without a shred of compassion or mercy.  I am not a follower of any single teacher or guru or holy one, not even Jesus.  In fact, I am not convinced that the historical Jesus ever existed although I wouldn’t be disturbed or disappointed to discover that he had.  If he did exist, I don’t think his goal was to be rich or famous or to found a religion.  Maybe he was bisexual and had a baby out of wedlock with that famous prostitute, Mary Magdalene, whom incidentally I think may have very possibly been an apostle and a prostitute and a mother and a prophet.  Can you imagine what a powerful woman she would have been?

But back to this moment in time which is really all I have for sure. I prefer not to believe.  I don’t like the concept of “facts.”  Humans have been asserting the “facts” for centuries only to find out they had it completely wrong.  Every time we invent another way to perceive, we learn just how wrong the “facts” are.  For instance, the solar system and germs and DNA all revoked our “truth” with new “truth.” 

Similarly, my experience of the Divine continues to morph and with each twist of the dial, I am further and further convinced that a world beyond our physical bodies does exist and furthermore that I haven’t the slightest idea what defines that spiritual world.  

My concept of a Higher Power began as Him and then became Her but now is Them.  Which concept is true?  I don’t care. I am not attached to “truth.”  I am open to the journey and guidance in the form of urgings and knowings which don’t originate from my skull but could nevertheless be emanating from some part of me which doesn’t even reside in my body. 

Now if I can entertain that possibility and yet have NO idea if any of this is “real” or if perhaps it is all a dream of some sort, than I am open to the next bit of experience and the “knowing” that it may bring.

I do believe in God. And God keeps changing form for me. The only constant is my journey toward the Love. Whatever is Love is my God.

Confused?  If you are, it isn’t a bad thing.  I like to stay confused because it means I am still teachable.

Casting a Wider Net for Sex Traffickers?

We are currently in a battle for personal freedoms the founders of this nation took for granted. As big business tightens its grip on our self-determination and special interest groups master the art of chicanery, those few hopeful souls who still participate in our democratic process by turning up at the voting polls, are finding it more and more difficult to decipher the true intent and potential impact of proposed legislation.

Take for instance the always popular stance against human trafficking.  I mean can you imagine anyone who would be in favor of modern slavery? Of course not. And so no matter the merits of proposed laws against trafficking, all politicians will feel compelled to lend their endorsement regardless of the actual repercussions of the new law(s).

Similarly, uninformed voters can feel inclined to vote yes to any legislation purporting to rescue the innocent and punish the perpetrators. And who can blame them? Who doesn’t want justice to prevail? And when it comes to sex trafficking, especially the sex trafficking of minors, the level of disgust, contempt and outrage most of us experience at the very thought is almost too much to bear. We may reason that the legislation may not be perfect, but anything is better than allowing such atrocities to persist.

But is poor legislation really better than no new laws?  In the case of California’s Proposition 35, you may be surprised to learn just how bad this new piece of proposed law really is. 

For instance, the wording of Proposition 35 is so vague that instead of creating better enforcement against the trafficking of minors, it could wind up being used to put teenagers in prison for 12 years and force them to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. If Proposition 35 passes, simply having sex with another teenager could garner a sex trafficking conviction.  How you might ask? 

Well, let’s say an eighteen year old boy takes a seventeen year old girl to the movies and buys her popcorn to eat during the movie. Then let’s say these two teenagers share some sort of consensual sexual interaction after the movie.  You have to admit this scenario is pretty pedestrian.  It happens every night of the week all over the state of California. 

Yes, it is illegal to have sex with someone who is underage. But do we really want to see a penalty intended for sex traffickers imposed upon someone who has barely become an adult and perhaps didn’t even know that their sexual partner was underage? If you stop for a moment and envision this scenario happening in the case of a teenager you know, your first response will probably be, “that could never happen.”

But the wording of Proposition 35 allows anything of value being given or received by any person to qualify as “payment” for an act of prostitution. And since we are talking about statutory rape, construing popcorn and a movie as payment for sex is well within the wording of this proposed legislation. While it may be unlikely that the boy next door will see the inside of a prison for getting carried away with his underage girlfriend, imagine how this law might be used to persecute less beloved citizens of the state. What if the teenagers are gay?  What if they are black or Latino? What if someone decides to prosecute to the full extent of the law? Wouldn’t it be better for all concerned if our laws were clear, concise and devoid of any ulterior agendas?

Californians deserve better. Send Proposition 35 back to the drafters by voting “no.”

 

Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM

Certified Sexologist and Host of The Shame Free Zone

Blurring the Lines

My use of the words escort and sex worker inhabit mostly political terrain for me. In the strictest sense, an escort accompanies a client to a given location or event. Most escorts of course, do not venture from their private apartments where they entertain clients. I no longer do escorting. I am no longer selling my services as an escort and so I am clear that I am at this point, a former escort.

Sex worker is a different word with different connotations. Some people think sex workers are doing illegal activities and others are pretty sure sex workers take off their clothes.  But in reality, a wide variety of jobs and professions qualify to be called sex work and therefore many people who do diverse things for a living can be referred to as sex workers. In fact, some people call themselves a sex worker simply because they write about sex for a living.  That is a bit of a stretch but if you add any kind of adult images, then magically the line is crossed and many will agree that someone who writes about sex with naked pictures of themselves is a sex worker.  I suppose the line in most minds occurs at the point where the person selling sex toys or writing about sex, models the sex toys or illustrates the sex they are writing about by using their own body. If a writer or vendor sells images of other naked people, then we are not sure if they qualify to be called a sex worker.

I find these distinctions somewhat arbitrary and limiting.  But even if I go with the definition of sex worker as someone who uses their own body in some way to procure a living, then I still end up with a wider definition of the term than society currently allows for. I would include as sex workers, people who marry for money and both print and runway models. Some performance artists would qualify as sex workers too.  For instance when Karen Finley covered herself in chocolate for a photo shoot with Bill Maher, her use of her own body was deeply sexual as well as political (although I was hard pressed to ascertain what her political message was). But the popular press will always refer to her as an artist instead of a sex worker.

So what is the difference between someone like Karen Finley and Annie Sprinkle?  Is Annie Sprinkle a sex worker because she used to do porn or because she still uses her naked body in some of her stage performances?  Annie Sprinkle refers to herself as an activist and performance artist at this point. I know she is always comfortable referring to her past as a porn star and prostitute. Annie Sprinkle willingly and graciously stands in solidarity with other sex workers.

When women and transgenders are being murdered for being sex workers, stressing that one is a former sex worker can feel divisive.  It certainly does not seem like a show of solidarity.

Toward the end of a presentation I gave to a feminist class at a college in Marin many years ago, the professor announced that she would like to consider herself an honorary whore as a show of solidarity with all the whores who suffer for being whores. I was touched and impressed.  It was also an instructive moment for me as I realized that people all too often draw lines of distinction between each other in an effort to escape the fate of their contemporaries. I am not such a person and I will not abandon decades of activism now in order to garner a little more public approval. I would much rather enlarge the term sex worker while embracing it and standing in solidarity with other sex workers.

In the strictest sense of the word, I really am a sex worker even today, because I occasionally sell my adult DVDs.  It is funny, really.  Because if I were selling adult DVDs of Annie Sprinkle or Nina Hartley, I would not be considered a sex worker.  And when I stop selling my DVDs (which will eventually happen when I run out of copies as I have no intentions of ordering more) some may stop thinking of me as a sex worker. I, however, am fond of the word. It denotes an important aspect of the Divine Feminine which I feel called to bring forth in a variety of ways.

So while I do not intend to make more porn, I may decide to get naked in front of a camera again.  And if I do, will I be a sex worker or just like every actress in Hollywood?  Where is that magical line between the good girls and the bad girls, anyway?  I am not sure but when I find it, you can count on my arriving with a big eraser determined to blur the line even more.

Family Friendly Prostitution?

A brand new television show is airing on the Lifetime Channel. That is not a particularly earth shaking announcement unless you examine the program’s premise: a like-able wife and mother resorts to providing “happy endings” to her massage clients in order to support her family and avoid foreclosure on their mortgage.

Unlike Showtime’s Secret Diary of a Call Girl which is based upon research scientist, Dr. Brooke Magnanti’s life as an escort while completing her doctoral studies, Lifetime’s The Client List starring Jennifer Love Hewitt is apparently fictional. While Secret Diary of a Call Girl is produced in the UK, The Client List originates in the USA and targets a predominantly female viewership.

But what is perhaps most surprising, is that this latest entry in sex work as television entertainment portrays both the reluctant prostitute and her clients as average, one might even say normal, human beings. Gone are the stereotypes of drug addicted, incest surviving, man hating women servicing hateful and domineering men who have lost all respect for women. These stereotypes are so common they go unchallenged in the culture and continue to wreak havoc in the lives of the very real people who work for pay and pay for play in the sex industry.

Instead, we are treated to characterizations which reveal affection and meaningful connection between Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character and her mostly male clients.  The premiere episode even features a tearful exchange between Riley Parks (Jennifer Love Hewitt) and the wife of a male client. While the distraught wife warns Riley to stay away from her husband, Riley reaches out with that heart of gold assuring the jealous woman that her husband is still in love with her.

Is it by accident or design that the show’s producers created a scenario where our heroine prostitute lends her wisdom and compassion to help mend a marriage?  For those of us who have worked in the sex industry, we know this happens more often than outsiders would ever suspect. Public perception casts prostitutes as a corrosive influence on love, romance, marriage and family. But what if professional sex functions to support marriage and the family? Can we imagine sex work which heals and empowers?

What if the people getting paid for sexual services are truly service oriented?  What if they are gifted with an unusual capacity to nurture and attend to the emotional and sensual needs of others?

This normalization of prostitution is bound to outrage some viewers.  In fact, just today Massage Therapists Against The Client List, petitioned the show’s producers to stop production of the program.  the group’s premise is that The Client List perpetuates popular stereotypes of massage therapists engaging in “inappropriate sexual contact.”

While I understand the massage industry’s interest in preserving the reputation and good standing of their profession, it is a sad commentary on our cultural norms that almost everyone wants desperately to disassociate themselves from sex workers. Sex workers are simply people who get paid to provide a service which is more personal than most and far more palatable than many nursing jobs.

After schoolteacher Shannon Williams’ arrest for prostitution in 2003, I was invited onto FOX’s From the Heartland to debate a most unusual topic.  The question posed was a disingenuous “should prostitutes be allowed to be schoolteachers?” Former Congressman John Kasich (now Governor of Ohio) was of course adamantly opposed to the idea. Even to a veteran sex worker rights activist like myself, the juxtaposition of schoolteacher and prostitute felt blatantly contradictory.

But is it possible that logic and reason have taken a vacation on this topic? Is it fair to ask ourselves to suspend convention and entertain the idea that once reflexive shame is removed from the equation there isn’t much to dissuade us from accepting that any profession which practices compassion and sensual healing is just what the planet needs more than ever?

The Whore-Madonna Complex Follows Us into 2012

As 2011 waved goodbye and we turned our collective attention towards 2012, the year which has attracted more predictions verging on hysteria than any year in recent memory including the year 2000, CNN saw fit to air a 2005 program narrated by Sigourney Weaver, The Two Marys. I settled in to view the television special  hoping against hope that someone out there might have actually produced a program meant to adequately address the Whore-Madonna Complex.  After all, the title, The Two Marys, certainly suggests some awareness of the ancient dichotomy which has driven a stake through the heart of womanhood by compelling anyone with a vagina to pick a “side” and declare themselves aligned with “good” or “evil.”

While men are afforded a more holistic approach to being human, women are held to an impossible standard literally demanding that which is entirely impossible to achieve. The Virgin Mary mocks every mother on the planet who hasn’t found a way to retain her virginity while giving birth to an angelic baby. And Mary Magdalene would seem to announce the need for forgiveness for any woman who has fallen short of the virgin mother ideal.

Lesley Hazelton, author of Mary: A Flesh and Blood Biography of The Virgin Mother protests “I think there was a very strong-felt need on the part of the church fathers to put women in their place. So, by dividing women into madonnas and whores, they could either be all good or all evil.”

While you might think historical figures from over 2000 years ago are old news, the battle between “good” and “evil” girls continues. Just today, news of Colorado high school student Sydney Spies’ possible lawsuit claiming censorship, hit the headlines in all the major news outlets. Sporting a tiny black top and a short, yellow skirt, Ms. Spies bared her midriff and shapely legs for the camera with every intention that this sexy photo would serve as her senior portrait.  But the yearbook editors claimed her photo was unprofessional and inappropriate.

I have heard these adjectives before. Unprofessional and inappropriate are actually code for “slutty.”  And what exactly do we mean when we call a woman “slutty?”  It can mean vastly different things to different people.  But once that label is affixed to a woman, she falls into dangerous territory where almost any mistreatment can seem justified.

The same applies to the label “whore.” While we can refer to men as “man-whores” and “pricks,” the words don’t carry the same sting or stigma. Men can laugh off such labels and watch their credibility and popularity rise with every “bad boy” scandal.  Meanwhile, women may lose their homes, their jobs, their children, their credibility, their membership in society and sometimes their very lives. Women who are perceived as “sluts” and “whores” can be potential targets for rape and murder by predators.

And meanwhile, popular programs still tell “dead hooker jokes” with impunity.  It is enough to make this sex worker activist want to scream.

As someone who routinely educates the public on the topics of sex worker rights and a sexual bill of rights, I encounter plenty of negative commentary from readers, listeners and attendees.  For instance, I often hear variations on the following:

“I think there’s a world of difference between a woman who takes on as many lovers as she pleases vs. a woman who has sex for money. Sex is sacred, not to be monetized and manipulated.”

At first blush statements such as these sound credible. They conform to the current cultural stance and sound “right.”  But are such assertions right? Does prostitution necessarily “manipulate” and does monetizing the sex act remove the aspects which can be considered “sacred?”

Frankly, as someone who has worked with domestic violence survivors, I have been witness to plenty of manipulation and lack of sacredness in the context of marital sex.  Why does marriage get a pass from us while prostitution remains suspect?  I have been married and I have worked as an escort. Both experiences were positive and negative at turns. It all depended upon our intentions.  Certainly no piece of paper has the power to distort sacred intentions nor imbue loving intentions where there are none.  And that applies equally to the paper used to make marriage certificates as well as hundred dollar bills.

So let’s get real here. Society doesn’t give a rat’s ass about women being “treated with respect” or “being protected.” The current culture is designed to keep women suspicious of each other and divided instead of united. It is designed to deny us access to the same power afforded men and when you get down to it, that power is often defined by sexual and monetary proficiency. I can only imagine the stark raving terror that the good ole boy network must experience when they entertain the idea of the other half of the world’s population gaining control over the holy trinity: birth, sex and money.